No Nore Navel Gazing (Or, How Happiness is a Pink Marshmallow)

I sometimes hate snow and sometimes love snow. It usually depends on whether I have groceries in the house.

I especially loved snow when my daughter emailed photos of Claire in her Michelin Man snowsuit. Saturday was the first time she’d really seen the stuff since she was too little last year to play outside. It made me happy despite the fact I hadn’t seen her in real life in almost two weeks. Claire lives just 75 minutes from me, but snow has kept us apart and has left me, in many ways, unhappy. But today there was a break in the weather and I trekked down to Pittsburgh in the morning and left behind my workout plans.

Plans, shmans. My body isn’t going anywhere in a day, physiologically speaking. I’ll hit the cardio tomorrow.

Did I just say that?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about happiness (season affective disorder peaks for me in January) and last weekend I found an article titled “Six common barriers to personal happiness and fulfillment and how to overcome them.” I’m pretty sure it was posted on CNN, but I forgot to copy the web address. I only copied the section I wanted to post here:

Happiness Barrier No. 6: Navel-gazing

Solution: Connect with others

How important are social networks to your happiness? Perhaps even more important than you realized. A recent 20-year study of more than 4,000 people showed that happiness is influenced not just by your immediate friends and family. The happiness of a friend of a friend of a friend – someone you’ve never even met – can also influence your happiness. It turns out that happiness can spread through social networks, like a virus.

Unfortunately, many people spend so much time by themselves navel gazing, they don’t benefit from this positive “contagion.”

The more self-absorbed you are, the more your world closes in, and the less realistic you become, all of which produces a vicious circle. “You become oblivious to the needs of others, and the world shrinks still more, making you less able to see outside yourself.” If asked, ‘Why are your problems so special?” says Jinpa, you might respond, “Because they’re mine!”

“If you have such a huge ego, you’re setting yourself up as a huge target, which can easily get hit,” Jinpa says. But using a “wide-angle lens” instead helps you see connections you wouldn’t otherwise see, such as the universality of suffering. All it may take is having a loved one diagnosed with a serious disease to realize how many people are grappling with similar challenges. Feeling joined by others on this journey provides some comfort and happiness.

The straightest path to making connections like these? Compassion and caring for others.

Even primates seem to understand this, says Robert M. Sapolsky, PhD, author of Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers and research associate with the Institute of Primate Research at the National Museum of Kenya. Primates that groom each other after a stressful event experience a reduction in blood pressure. The clincher? Grooming others has a greater impact than getting groomed, says Sapolsky.

Compassion engages us with others, removes isolation, builds resilience, and leads to deep fulfillment, says Doty. “Without compassion, happiness is simply short-lived pleasure.”

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, may have said it best: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

I’m a social hermit and I navel gaze more than I realized. When I read that article, I started thinking about that “contagion” and how I contribute to other people’s happiness. Not that I am responsible for how other people feel in general, but my actions and words certainly can enhance or derail someone’s moment, and that can spread into their entire day. Did I respond the most effective way I could to an email? Did I sincerely thank the cashier or car wash attendant I encountered today? Did I reach out to someone who needed a helping hand?

I’m more inclined to thank people, offer a smile to strangers, or write more compassionately after encountering a happy moment, like today with Claire. But I want to be more compassionate in those moments when it’s snowing, so to speak, and when I’m not so happy. I don’t want to be a navel gazer, especially considering my navel isn’t much to gaze at – lol.

We used to sing a song in Sunday School that went, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it, if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

If you’re happy and you know it, how do you show it? If you’re not happy, how do you get happy? What do you do to get past happiness barrier #6: navel gazing?

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Biceps Ligaments and Staying Mindful

I wasn’t going to mention it here because I thought it would just go away. But when I got my Sunday Reflection today from the Insight Meditation Center (and because the ice/ice/heat regimen isn’t working like I hoped), I decided to blog about what I think is a torn bicep ligament.

Gil Fronsdal is the lead teacher at IMC. He wrote the following piece about radical acceptance and used a sick child as the example. With all due respect to this awesome Buddhist teacher, I inserted “bicep ligament” for “child” in his essay to make the writing more relevant to my situation. I really needed to read this today. I haven’t fully accepted or digested it all, but it will be part of my mindfulness training over the next few days.

Here’s my edited version of Gil’s writing:

“In Mindfulness practice we are practicing a Radical Acceptance of the present moment, no matter what we find there.

“If our bicep ligament is ill, we would want to respond to the situation as skillfully as we are able to. If we use our energy bemoaning that it shouldn’t be this way, that our bicep ligament should not be sick – how could this happen, etc. – the result is a conflicted mind, which is less capable of attending to our bicep ligament. Our attention is entangled in our own conflict, instead of being fully available to our bicep ligament. If we can radically accept the moment, the truth of the situation, that our bicep ligament is ill, and not be in conflict with it, we can be free to attend to our bicep ligament with a more peaceful mind. We will do everything we can to help our bicep ligament heal, but we will be doing it much better if our attention is on what is needed in the present, rather than resisting the fact that the situation exists.

“The practice of mindfulness trains us to learn to accept the moment, no matter what it brings, even if we don’t like it. When we accept the moment, we can respond to it more skillfully. If we sit down to meditate and find the mind is agitated, can we accept that agitation is present? Can we say ‘Ahh! That’s what agitation is like!’ Be curious about it, be interested in it, be non-judgmental.”

My shoulders are messed up, especially the right one. Arthritis, tendonitis, bursitis…and still I lift weights like I’m 20 years old. Today, as I attempted to do the rehab exercises I’ve been doing for more than a year, I had to admit that it’s time to make some decisions. My orthopedic surgeon wants to cut me open, my chiropractor does ultrasound, my family physician can provide me with anti-inflammatory meds if I want (which I don’t take…not even Advil).

But here’s the deal. I’m not sure what to do. The pain is real. The inability to move is real. My shoulder is fragile and in need of my attention. My full attention. No more denying, no more macho lifting. I have to be present to the pain and the source of the pain. I can’t run away from it anymore.

I’m scared, I admit. Not only is my right arm super messed up, but my left arm is starting the same twinge, too. I worry I’ll gain 300 pounds. I worry my blood pressure will go up if I gain weight. I’ll get diabetes and arteriosclerosis. I just know it.

OK, so I don’t “just know it.” But see how easy it is for the mind to wander into panic?

I’m going to work on staying in the present moment. I’m going to deal with what I know, not what might happen. I’m going to eat well, do my cardio and abs workouts, and give my arms a break until I find out what’s going on. I’ll take a passive approach for now, chilling and meditating and asking Claire to climb on to my lap rather than pick her up.

I suspect many of us have a "biceps ligament" issue. It might be physical. It might be emotional. Rewrite Gil's essay with your issue. How does it look and feel after reading it that way? Just think about it and maybe make a plan to deal with it, here and now, in real life and not in the scary unknown future.

Thanks for listening. No need to respond. I’m just grateful I have this forum to express the things that make me happy as well as scare the crap out of me.

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Bok Choy Rocks. Word.

I feel like I speak a foreign language when I go to our local grocery stores.

“No, that’s bok choy, not lettuce.”
“No, that’s zucchini, not a cucumber.”
“They’re artichokes.”
“It’s spaghetti squash. Yes, the stringy kind.”
“Hearts of palm. They come from palm trees.”
“Pita is a type of bread.”
“Fennel.”
“No, portabella mushrooms are naturally darker than button mushrooms. No, I won’t get sick eating them.”
“Yes, I’m making a big salad.”
“Yes, ‘vegetarian’ means I don’t eat meat. No. None. No, I don’t miss it. Really. I don’t.”

Seriously. Every time I go shopping, I either have to correct the cashiers so I get charged the right price for the right item or I get asked what all the vegetables are for. It’s a great opportunity to teach people about the wonders of vegetables and other healthy food, but most just laugh and brag about how much they hate vegetables. It makes me sad.

But….I can’t change the world in a day, right? So on to today’s quickie post about my new favorite food: bok choy.

I have Lyn over at EscapeFromObesity to thank for introducing me to a baby bok choy recipe she had on her site last summer. I modified it a bit and use regular bok choy (since it’s all I can find around these parts), so I thought I’d share the recipe I tested (and adored) yesterday while waiting for Mr. Elliptical Fix-It Man to fix my elliptical. Which he couldn’t. Again. This was his third try, too. Poor guy. Said he’d be back next week with another part. I just wish he’d bring me a new machine.

But I digress.

Bok Choy ala Lynn
Makes 2 servings at 2 Points per serving or 1 Bigass serving for 5 Points

13-16 ounces bok choy, chopped, rinsed and drained
½ C thinly sliced red onion
2-3 (or more) cloves of garlic, minced
1 tsp. sesame oil
3 ½ T slivered almonds (dry roasted beforehand in a pan or not, whichever you prefer)
Pinch of red pepper flakes

Spray a large fry pan with non-stick spray. Sauté the onion and garlic for a few minutes until slightly brown. Add oil, almonds and pepper flakes and stir fry for another few minutes. Add the bok choy and stir until the dark green leaves are wilted. You’ll want the white stalks still crisp.

That’s it. Very simple and very healthy: 8 ounces of bok choy has just 30 calories, only a trace of fat, 5 grams of carbs, 3 grams of fiber, nearly 4 grams of protein, 240 mg of calcium (that’s nearly 25 percent of daily recommended calcium intake for women 18-50) and 570 mg of potassium (strive to get 4,700 mg a day).

I’m going to add bok choy like I would spinach to vegetable soup and eat it as is in a salad, too. The key around my neck of the woods is finding bok choy that doesn’t look like it just got off a 2-year boat trip from China. It’s that way with leeks, too. But I won’t get started on that. Promise.

So tell me, are you experimenting with new foods this new year? What are some of your favorites? I’m always looking for new food finds. Thanks for sharing!

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A Slow Steady Drip

“With dripping drops of water, even a water jug is filled.” Dhammapada 121-122

How many times have you read an inspiring quote like this and said, “Yeah…I’m going to remember that,” only to fall back five minutes later into the same old same old?

It’s one reason I took off an “inspirational widget” from this blog. Even I, author of this blog, wasn’t reading it every day. And when I did, it looked good for the moment, then eventually (like…within a mouse click), I’d forget about it.

This quote, though…I need to give this quote props. When I read it on Tuesday night, I was distracted by the sound of water dripping in the kitchen. Thinking I’d left the faucet slightly on, I figured I’d check it out on my next visit to the kitchen. A few minutes later, I heard “splat, splat, splat” and I knew it wasn’t the faucet. We were having an ice storm, and what I found was water dripping from a leak in the roof.

I dug out a bowl and a towel and laid them under the drip. Water dripped slowly with an off-beat cadence for another few hours. Eventually it stopped and the bowl had filled to a few inches. I could have dumped it into the sink, but then I thought, What the heck? and watered one of my plants instead.

It was just a little serendipitous outcome, but one I thought about at length. If my original plan had been to generate enough water from the leaky roof to water my plants, I’d have been ticked off at all the time it took to gather a few inches of water. But my plan was to merely save my kitchen floor from a mini flood. The bonus wasn’t foreseen.

A “diet” and its real results are the same thing - the diet being a bucket and towel and only one hopeful outcome and the results being the water gathered for a plant. When you stick to your rudimentary plan, it will reap greater benefit. That’s what most people who aspire to lose weight miss.

I remember when I weighed 300 pounds and all I wanted was to lose weight IMMEDIATELY! As in RIGHT NOW, the moment I joined Weight Watchers. But it didn’t work that way. Right now, Weight Watchers centers and gyms all across the country are filled with people wanting a torrential wave of weight loss. I wish there was a way to let them all know that they have to chill, to drip, to gather water slowly. It will be worth it in the end.

Four years ago, when I started this journey, if someone had told me I’d still be grappling with weight issues after the big 168-pound loss, I’m not sure I’d have kept it up. But plugging along month after month with the drip, drip, drip of a pound here and a pound there, isn't so bad. I've learned so much and met so many awesome people that I wouldn't give that time up for anything.

So to those of you new to all this, please, stay in the moment. Day after day. Count your calories, Points, fat grams, carbs, whatever, but stay with it. Stay with the drip. Your bucket will fill up eventually (and your ass will diminish). Be patient. Be still.

Inspiration is fleeting. Dedication is key. And remember, roofing contractors don’t usually work in the winter. You’re on your own :)

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Forgive Me For Getting a Little Testy...

I normally don’t take issue with fellow bloggers over their beliefs or opinions about weight loss, but this post really has me p’ed off.

I’ll leave it up to you to find the culprit, but here’s the post (it’s very short):

“I Hope You Gained Weight Over The Holidays”

That’s what I’m telling my patients.

Frankly I think for many (certainly not all), significant losses over Christmas and New Years carry a worse prognosis than small gains.

Why? Simple.To lose weight over Christmas and New Year for many would require an overly strict approach, a slap-your-wrist, wish you could have seconds, damn than stupid pie, type approach. An approach otherwise known as a ‘diet.’

Diets by definition are temporary. Lifestyles are forever. Life includes Christmas.

Hope you enjoyed yours.

(And if you did lose, don't feel guilty, just ask yourself if you were reasonably indulgent and if not, perhaps loosen your reins just a touch)

What the…? Reasonably indulgent? Life includes Christmas? It also includes Valentine's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Easter, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day, birthdays, and every other excuse of a day to eat. I’m sorry, but gaining weight is NOT part of my agenda. I don’t give a sh*t what time of year it is. Choosing not to eat sugary sweets or overload on potatoes and meat doesn’t make me strict or a “dieter.” It means I’m consistent and have a plan.

I lost five pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas because I’d slowly gained weight due to excess carbs and I wasn’t feeling my best. I tweaked my eating a bit, but never did I “slap my wrist” or yearn for seconds. I never felt “deprived” (I really hate that word). For my efforts? I feel fabulous.

Many people feel differently about the holidays and indulging and that’s totally fine! I just think it’s absurd that a doctor would encourage his patients to gain weight over the holidays, and to call those who stuck to their plan and menus “unreasonable” is way off base. It’s the wrong message to send to a public already confused about what the hell they’re supposed to eat and when.

I realize how defensive this sounds, and I don’t write this entry as a way to make excuses for my weight loss or apologize for my position. I’m simply tired of all the mixed messages from the medical community about weight loss. If you have a plan, stick to it. You needn’t feel guilty for it, whether it incorporates extras during the holidays or not. I just don’t want to see anyone condemned for doing what it is the medical community suggests they do in the first place and that’s to lose weight.

Geez….

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Look to the Past to Battle Complacency Today

The new year is when most people look forward and resolve to change something about their future. That’s all well and good, but it’s also the perfect time to reflect on the past, particularly if you’re losing or maintaining weight. It’s the best way I’ve found to keep complacency at bay.

I’ve spent a good part of this new year’s weekend asking myself these questions: What was my original motivation to lose weight? What did I look like along the way? How did I feel at this weight or that weight? What lessons have I learned and do I need to relearn any of them?

Today I was most interested in January 2006. I’d lost about 90 pounds and had emerged from a nearly four-year self-imposed exile during which time I’d stopped writing my column, having my hair cut and colored professionally, and socializing with friends. When I looked at photos from Christmas 2005 and new year 2006, I remembered I felt like someone had lifted a heavy blanket off of me. I could breathe again. No more did my world feel dank and cold.

Second only in importance to losing weight was my decision to write again. For seven years I’d written a bi-weekly column called “Been There, Done That” for our local paper. I even won a few journalism awards for it. But I stopped writing it in 2002 because I was too busy running an antiques business. After a year, I missed my column terribly and wanted to write again, only I knew my editor would insist on a photo. It was standard corporate procedure to include a columnist’s photo with with their byline, and in 2003, there was no way I was putting my face, as it was, back in the paper. I’d gained a significant amount of weight since the last headshot was taken (sometime in 1999, I think) and I worried what people would think. I denied myself one of the most important creative outlets I’d ever know all because I couldn’t bear the thought of people opening up their papers and gasping, “Oh my, she’s gotten fat.”

Seems like messed up thinking now, but I have to remember that that was the mindset of 300-pound me, not 128-pound me. Big difference (so to speak). In 2006, when I’d lost enough weight to feel somewhat comfortable having my photo taken, enough that writing became more important than what someone thought of my weight, I re-launched my column and fell in love with writing all over again.

On the left is the headshot from January 2006. On the right is my headshot from January 2007.

I didn’t lose weight so I could write again. But writing was one of the by-products of my weight loss. It’s one of the many things I like to reflect on and remember so when I’m tempted to eat a little more than I should or skip a workout or two because I don’t “feel like it,” I can make the best decision for myself knowing what I know now based on what I did then. And for that, I thank and love the old me and the wisdom culled from the past.

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Take the Milk Out of the Microwave...So To Speak

And you thought the possum analogy was out there…..

I had a strange dream last night in which I was to demonstrate for an audience of Catholic school students (hunh?) how to make a milk-based soup using a microwave. I felt really stressed because I don’t use a microwave in real life for anything other than reheating food or melting butter, and I was horrified when I saw that milk had been poured directly into the microwave. No container. Just milk in the microwave with the door shut.

The recipe I was using called for heating the milk but not boiling it. That meant I would have to test it several times to make sure it was heating adequately. As the students filed into the classroom, I tried desperately to figure out how I was going to check the milk without it spilling out. Just before I woke up, I decided I’d lift the microwave over on its back every time I needed to open the door.

Still in that half awake dreamy state, I thought about other possible solutions to the microwave problem as I began to wake up fully this morning. If I’d been presented with a problem like that in real life (and it wasn’t a joke and I had to make the best of it), I’d have dumped what milk I could into a proper cooking container and proceeded with the demonstration from there rather than worrying about tipping over the microwave each time.

I read this article called The Top 10 Healthiest Diets in America and I thought about how the milk in the microwave is like a diet program. How many times have you chosen a program you think will work for you, only to find yourself bending and twisting to the diet’s needs rather than your own? A “diet” should be a lifestyle change, I know you hear that a million times, but it’s YOUR LIFE that your changing. So shouldn’t the lifestyle you choose work with you rather than against you?

When I started losing weight in 2005, I read Bob Greene’s book “Get With The Program.” While I eventually joined Weight Watchers, Greene’s ideas laid the groundwork for what would become a life-changing journey for me.

I bend the Weight Watchers rules all the time. While the basic foundations of the program are sound, I often go outside the box to find ideas that work best for me. For instance, I love Dr. Dean Ornish’s book “Eat More, Weigh Less” and Pamela Peeke’s “Body for Life for Women” and have implemented several of their philosophies and strategies into my eating, exercise and mindfulness program. Dr. Joel Fuhrman’s “Eat to Live” has some solid ideas, too, although his recipes are pretty dull and bland.

While I’ve not tried Alyson Mead’s “Write It Off Club,” mostly because I’m not losing weight anymore, I suspect it is something I’d have done if it was offered while I was losing weight (click here to read my review of her book, “Wake Up To Your Weight Loss.” I’d probably have liked using MaryLou’s Weigh, too (click here to read my review).

My point is, as you travel this road of lifestyle change and adjustment, remember that you’re the expert of you. Not the lady who weighs you at Jenny Craig or the words that come off the page in your South Beach Diet book. What feels right to you? What are you willing to change or not change?

Part of what made this last weight loss so successful for me is that I consulted my body and mind every step of the way. I didn’t rigidly follow a set of rules. People have written to me asking me to just tell them what I eat every day and how I exercise every day, thinking if they do exactly what I do, they’ll be successful, too. Sorry, I tell them. It doesn’t work that way. You have to do your own research, follow the program(s) that work best for you. It is the only way to achieve long-term success.

Dump the milk out of the microwave, folks! Make the program work for you, not the other way around.

And if any of you analyze dreams, can you tell me why the heck you think I dreamed about showing Catholic students how to make soup in a microwave?

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